Hey, everyone, this is Patricia. This is Elisa. Welcome to The Exile Project. We're so glad you're here. Today we want to talk about our self story. And A lot of what we're talking about is pulled from a William Randall essay, called The Stories We Are.

And he talks about the hermeneutics of self-creation and kind of what it means is how we interpret ourselves to ourselves. he talks about these three levels of self creation. on one side, you have your context. we don't choose our parentage or our time in history or, the socioeconomic situation of our families. we don't choose our own genetics, what color hair we're going to have or the fact that I'm a twin, you know, like these are these things are outside of our control clearly. But then there are choices, did a unselfconscious process of living our lives that unselfconscious choices.

We're not consciously aware of choosing to live here, because then I'll have this neighbor and that will impact me. But, you know, taking this job and not that job or going to this church or not that church, there are repercussions of all of these kinds of unselfconscious choices. Right. That are not fully thought out or like strategic. Right. Right. And then this third level is deliberate self-creation. And what Randall means by that is how we think about ourselves and our past beliefs we have about what we are now like, and the stories we tell about ourselves. I'm going to share a little bit about the moment I first felt called by God and how that seemed problematic in that tradition that I was coming from.

I remember being in the Baptist choir and we were singing at this revival in upstate New York. And because we were singing in the choir, we were on the stage watching the congregation watch the preacher. So it was this interesting, self-reflective moment of, being a different pastor, a different position.

You know, I'm not part of the congregation, but I am. And I'm reflecting on this man and I don't even remember what he was talking about, but I just remember watching him spit. You can really see how much spit is happening when you're sitting behind the person speaking. But in this moment, I'm probably like 15. And I had this plan to go to New York. I was going to be a fashion designer. I was going to make a lot of money and I was going to support missionaries in Africa. That was my plan. And I remember thinking about this because I think it somewhat was against what the man on the stage is preaching and spitting. I think he was trying to pose an alternative plan and I was like, No, God, this is better. Go to New York, I'll be a fashion center, make a lot of money. And in that moment, I just had this distinct feeling, you know, how sometimes it's like a thought just comes into your mind that you didn't intend to think like it felt like that that was God's voice for me. Just kind of all of a sudden was this thought. And that thought was, I have something better for you.

And that's literally all it was. It wasn't it wasn't like a roadmap. It wasn't a clear plan. And as I'm sitting there, I'm like 15 ish. I knew three things. One that I was called to the church. I just knew in my bones, in my being two that I probably needed to find a pastor to marry. There was no women in my tradition who were in leadership, And I was probably going to need to break up with my mechanic boyfriend. Wow. You? I mean, not that we were technically allowed to be dating, but like the person who I was pretty sure was going to marry at the time as a 15 year old, wanted to be a mechanic Obviously you can't be guys mine for me because I'm called to the church. Right. And the only way to be called to the church is if you marry someone in full time ministry. Mm hmm. Yeah. and it's interesting to think about a moment where you interpret something, maybe even the voice of God. Mm hmm. Through your cultural narrative, the context of your community. I love that story You said three things were true. The first was that you were called to the church in your bones, Completely true. And then how you interpreted those two things in your context were wildly untrue. I know, right? Yeah. And so it's cool because it's always a mix. Yeah, it's. And that's hard because you're like, well, then what do I do? What's true? What's not true? There's something really, beautiful and funny about that story, because you were right at 15. You were right. Yeah. There is an element of, like, prophetic knowing in the minute of my partial knowing. I think about how sometimes, if I'm tracking with a kid, they're like, we're going to have ice cream, and then we're going to go to Disney World. And like, you're tracking like, yeah, ice cream and then you're going to dinner. Oh, wow. I mean, maybe not today. Yeah. And and I feel like something Scott is like that. Oh, she got the message. She heard me loud and clear. And then. Yes, how we actually. Right. And then and then you went, I have to marry a pastor. He went. I know I married a filmmaker. I just want to point that out here I am not in full time ministry or married to someone in the hands if you define it. By the way, I would have defined it as a 15 year old. I think that my whole life is ministry, but that also had to be unpacked.

So I mean, the stories we tell ourselves are not neutral. They affect the way that we are in the world, like we have bias, We have limited understanding. Right. And that impacts how we tell our story to ourself.

William Randall comments like on the fact that if we spend the day if we wake up in the morning and we think. I've got this day. I can totally do this. I'm going to be great. I'm capable, I'm strong, I'm smart. Well, yeah, I feel capable, strong and smart. We're probably going to come across as more confident and we're going to be treated by the world around us, by people around us in a different way than if we feel insecure and we're lacking in confidence that's going to impact not only how we feel in our body, but also how other people treat us and respond to us. Right. I was thinking about one of my self narratives and I think it's a common woman one when you're a loud, strong, big personality and woman is I'm too much, I'm too loud, inane. I carried that because women who were demure, women, they were the they were the leads in the in the romantic comedies, the one that it was the quiet women. It was the it was the it was the beautiful submissive women who who were getting boyfriends. And then I wasn't. And I just carried this narrative that if I was going to succeed as a woman, I would need to be vastly different. 

Yeah, but I have to tell myself that And then I carried that into church work too, because I felt like if I was going to be taken seriously as as a thinker, as a pastor, as a teacher, I also would have to tone myself down. I would have to get serious. I would have to teach in the style of a man or of, an academic. And that's not who I was. and I really wrestled with this for a really long time. And we were in a training session about prayer and the Holy Spirit and hearing from God. And a friend of mine who was way more versed in this sort of stuff, came over to pray over me. And, she started to pray. And she was just like, I just I just got this really crazy image of you. And she was like, It's like Romeo, Michelle, like that movie. You're like Romeo and Michelle coming into a room like you. You thought to go back to your high school reunion, you had to pretend you invented Post-its and wear a skirt suit. And when instead you should be coming into the room exactly how you are and it completely rewrote something for me, like if this was God sharing this about myself, he knew all of the things I was trying to change about the perception of me in these different settings instead of embracing who I am, my silliness, my creativity, my loudness, you know, and I needed to do everything that my heart was set to do, but to do it in my authentic life. and I really started to look, instead of feeling inane, look at silliness as my superpower. 

Like look at it as a gift, as a gateway, as invitational and boundary breaking instead of silly as being stupid. Yeah, exactly. Or less than Yeah. I think it's interesting because like what you're touching on too is how others stories, you were probably told a lot of these things, you know, about your silliness. Oh, yeah. I got, like, intense a lot. Yeah, you're just really intense. Yeah, And I definitely didn't feel smart. So that like that added to the. Yeah. I think that's an interesting word to use. Smart, because like, what does that mean? Right. Like in different times and places. But history that could have meant, Really? Well versed in agricultural. Right. Process or something, you know? Right. And it wasn't necessarily book smart because that didn't even really exist for a long I don't know. It's it's interesting how we come to these words and define them. I know. Well, I mean, again, it's so crazy how things shape us. 

But like I learned really late in life that I had ADHD. I learned really late in life. I had this graph here. So it made sense that I wasn't a writer or, you know, and it made sense that I wasn't a reader because that's just where my brain shut off when I was in school And so therefore I translated that into I wasn't smart because these things didn't come easy and then therefore I didn't want to do them. And then I started masking like, you know, trying to find alternative pathways to feel worthy or smart. So I got really into theater and I got really into all the clubs I could get into in school. And and then I felt really strong and powerful in those spaces because I was really good at that. And so, instead of being curious as to why I didn't feel smart academically, I just was like, Well that's fine. I'll just like, put that aside and I'll just jump right into this other thing. I guess that's how we store ourselves, right? how we tell the story about our choices. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Can really impact our actual lives. Like, right now, it's not. It's not neutral. It shapes who we are in the world. 

I started working for this church that met in a storefront. when I was about 19. they were aligned with the Toronto Outpouring, which I wasn't very familiar with, but apparently was a very demonstrative Holy Spirit expectation sort of thing. So I showed up as a 19 year old. I'd been dating this musician and we had gone there at one point, and then I had gone back on my own and I walked in the door and this woman came up to me and she was like, Oh my gosh, Patricia, I was just praying for you. And I was just praying that God would bring you to our church as a worship leader. I should have fact checked into that. And I'm like, I'm not very good, I mean, play the piano and saying all of the time, but it's very different when you're technically trying to lead But I didn't think about that at all. I just said Yes, yes, yes, yes. And it was me, one older woman and a flute a singer and a drummer. So we had her a flute thing, her and me. And then I played the cue. in the midst of it I was also in college and working in a number of jobs. 

And there was this moment where a family had come to the church and they were all very, very musical and it just kind of felt like one of those, beautifully aligned moments that they were ready to step in and kind of take this on. And I needed to step out. and I remember sitting in this prayer meeting and just this strong sense of God telling me to quit in the middle of the period. And I was just like, God, it's not how you quit. You usually do it in prayer meetings. And then it was like such a strong sense. And so I was like, All right. Fine. so I kind of stood up and I was like, hey, I just wanted. To invite this other family to step into that role of worship leading so that I could step down. I'm in the last year of school and I've got a lot going on. and while I do recognize that quitting things in the middle of prayer meetings is probably uncomfortable for people, it's that expectation. The pastor got really, really upset. And he asked me that night before I left to give him the keys back to the building he was just really mad. 

And I think because I had done this in the company of the leadership of the church, it saved my reputation a tiny bit because there are other people who had witnessed it and he couldn't completely malign me. Yeah, but he did. To the people who weren't there And I remember a few weeks later walking into the church and this man came up to me who I guess was technically this pastor's authority he came up to me and he said that you had a prophetic word for me and that the word was that I was poisoned. That's horrible I felt a lot of church anger and church Shawn. I felt really distrustful of spiritual authority. Yeah. And I. stepped away from the church in that season, and it was one of my first really significant deconstruction spaces I had tried. to give my life to God in this way that I thought he wanted me to give it to him and it wasn't working. Right. And so many things wrong with that story. He was so mad. I feel like so often, if something like that was said over me and there have been different things, I just believe them to be true. Oh, no, I just believe it. Yeah. 

I mean, initially that's just what happened. And the stupid part of it is like I wasn't even really quitting. I was not going to lead this thing because there were other people to do it, but it's like it just. became ego. It was ego. It was it was you making a decision in front of the pastoral staff without consulting them. By the way, you were totally allowed to. And then to make ego about who you are as a person That moment of being storied by other people, you know, and I'm always into that this is what's being said about me. That moment, really changed for me. The inner monologue in my own heart. In my own narrative. Mm hmm. church leadership, you cannot trust. Right. You were wrong about the things you thought about God. You know, you tried your hardest, and you failed It just became this, like, warped sort of moment. seven or eight years later. 

I felt like God was speaking to me again. Which is just wild because it's like, was he not speaking this whole time? Or was I just too upset to hear it? It's just interesting how again, how we're telling our stories. And in the midst of that, I remember just asking God, like these things you put in my heart as a teenager, is this is this for me? Was I wrong about that? And I just felt like God reminded me of that verse no y has seen and no your has heard and no mind can conceive of what God has in store for those who are called according to his purposes. And I just felt like. God was putting in my heart that there was still something for me. Mm hmm. And I remember we were getting ready to go back to sea. Go. I was married, lived in Brooklyn. And I had this, like, really bad bug bite on my leg. And I remember. Driving in. 

I had gone to like a prayer meeting somewhere and they were a little bit more Holy Spirit than I had been comfortable with since this experience at this church. And they said something about healing. And I was like, Ah, they probably mean my bug bite. And then the word poison came back to my mind and it was like, Oh my gosh, what if it isn't the bug bite? What if it's this church pain that God wants to heal? And then I was like, Well, that's ridiculous. my sister had flown in from Germany and in a series of events. I had required her to rent a car and I needed to go with her to return this rental car. And so we're driving the car about 45 minutes away from my parents house. And I'm not really paying attention because I'm just following her. And she turns off the highway and I'm like, Oh, that's so interesting. This is. The way I would have needed to go to go to that little church. And then she makes another turn. And I was like, Wow, this is the next turn I would have needed. The car dealership was across the street from me. Wow. And I'm sitting in the car, and I was just like. God wants to heal me from this. 

Yeah. And I was like, I've got to call that pastor. And so I called and he didn't pick up the phone. But it was such a strong feeling. I was like, I got to try again. So I call again. He picks up the phone and I'm like, Hey, this is Patricia. He's doing work for you, like ten years ago or however many years And I'm just driving by. And I was wondering if you were in your body, if we could meet and talk for a minute. And he was like, Yeah, I can be there in 15 minutes So he drives up with his. Wife and I think she had like an older son in his twenties or something in the back of a van. And I honestly thought I was going to just be like. Free to tell him how I had felt so wronged by him. that was my plan. I got out of the car and I felt like God just put on my heart instead to pray a blessing over Jen. And I was like, That's insane. But by the time I cross from my car to his, I was like, all right, So he got in the car, and I just was like, I just wanted to spend a minute, praying over your ministry. And I started thinking, God. For his love and his grace in this guy's life. And as I was praying for him, I really felt like the shackles that had been, around my heart. I just felt like it broke something off. Hmm. 

Jesus inaugurates his earthly mission by saying he's binding of broken hearts. Right. and I don't think that I would have ever anticipated the healing of this narrative, being in the Thanksgiving and gratitude of God's presence in this guy's life. I felt ruined by him, you know? Right. Like and I'm not saying that this is the pathway for everyone. Right. But this is how I felt like God led me to healing and. That was really important in terms of the story, because I didn't have to argue my story or tell my story. Right. You have to prove I didn't have to prove. And I just felt like I walked across that parking lot and God gave me a different story. And this story with his heart for this guy. Mm hmm. And when you know God's heart for someone else, often you're, you know, for yourself, you know, I I love the end of that story because I was so mad a minute ago. I'm now no longer angry. I love how you said that this was the pathway for you. It's so profound and there's lots of pathways. You know, for me, mental health care has been a huge pathway in rewriting my story. You know, sometimes we can pinpoint moments in our story that are these pinnacle moments where shame just latched on. And for me, it feels like shame is so slippery that it's hard to pinpoint one moment it just feels like a blanket covering so. 

One of the analogies that I've used in my healing process in different moments of it. Is like a wagon wheel, like the old pioneers, they would follow the paths of, people before them. And so there are these well-worn paths for the wagons to kind of sit in these notches in the dirt road. And then they would just go right. And if you were making another path, you would have to lift the wagon out of the notches and then go a different way. And then eventually you would wear a new path. And that's, I think, one of the things that's given me a lot of life in detangling shame and healing is, neuroplasticity is that our our brains are meant to rewire. So when we have like a shame pathway in our brain, our brain is plastic and it can be rerouted much like that wagon. But it takes a whole lot of effort to shift the neural pathways, just like you would shift a wagon pathway. And so. You know, in my most intense moments of healing, it's this it's all the energy I have to lift the wagon out and to make a new a new pathway. 

But there are really great tools out there. And one I've found is the Enneagram is really helpful because Enneagram is showing us the pathways that have been formed. You know, our personalities and our propensities are, are made because of a lifetime of these kinds of stories that create in us reactions or coping mechanisms. And so when you identify yourself on the Enneagram spectrum, you can kind of say, okay, well when I'm in stress, when I'm in conflict, this is how I react. And then you can say, Well, how might I react in health? so that's been a really useful pathway for me. Another one I learned about was called restoration therapy. It was created by Terry Hargrave. he's a professor at Fuller Seminary. And he created this thing called the pain in the peace cycle. 

Love and trust is what create a healthy relationship. And when you have broken love and trust, it creates a pain cycle. And so similarly when you're in conflict, when you feel pain, what is the narrative that you say about yourself? And out of that narrative, what do you do? And to rewrite that you say, okay, I feel this pain. This is what I believe about myself. This is what I would normally do. But instead I'm going to actually tell myself the truth about myself and I'm going to do something different. And so that's what he said. He says there's four steps to get out of the pain cycle into the peace cycle. And it's say what you feel, say what you would normally do, say the truth and say what you will do differently. how do you know what the truth is? I think a lot of times the the truth is the opposite of the lie. So if the core lie that you're carrying is I'm not worthy. The truth is that you are worthy. or if the core lie that you're carrying is you're stupid. The truth is that you're you're smart, you know? And and it's even just like something so simple as that is trying to be like, well, if I am smart. 

What does that look like? How am I smart? You know, start asking yourself critical thought questions about the lie to get to the truth. And sometimes it just helps having other people's language around your core lies. Some of the core lies are so deep buried within us that we don't know their life, they just feel like truth. That's the hard part about any of this. self-creation, is that the narrative that's been created for us over years of experience just feels so darn true. that when you actually meet the actual truth, it doesn't feel true It's like too good to be true. Like me being smart is too good to be true me me being worthy it's too good to be true. So you had to really dig into ways that that might be true. You have to use your imagination. You have to find ways to prove to yourself that you are smart. And I think some of these tools that people have created around rewriting your narrative are really helpful because just trying to do it on your own is just really impossible. I think doing it in community and with other perspectives and other people to help retell your story is, really helpful. 

I think God is good and he can he can do it. If you're curious. I think just that idea of those pathways and the need for people around us to be telling a better story. And I think the hard part is when the people around us aren't telling that better story. It yeah, that's it's it's that's the that's the trickiest part is when they're continually reinforcing the the lie narrative. And that's why we need to really pursue voices that are going to tell us the truth or and or at least be with us on the journey to explore for the truth. I keep reading in T rights book the day the revolution began, this other story that we're invited to imagine ourselves in is one in which we are forgiven and we are made new, and God is inviting us to join Him in the work of transformation and renewal. And we don't need to have someone's permission to do that or to have approval to go out and like love our neighbor as well. there's also these snapshots of Jesus. That have been so meaningful to me in moments where I'm not sure. Like if things feel too big to fully know or to navigate or whatever, I keep coming back to this moment in Walter Branigan's Book of God, it's sort of a translation, but it's more like, a fictionalization of the New Testament. 

But it's like this moment of the Jesus just putting his hand on this leopard's head. And we're laughing because I remember trying to like, explain to this group of kids just the beauty of this moment. Jesus is reaching out. I mean, this moment, just like the imagery of just like that dead scalp and touching that scalp would make you potentially get leprosy was such a bad idea. Right. And Jesus, just like I just see him caressing this leprous scalp and, like, skin growing back. Mm hmm. And this man, like, coming literally back to life. And Elisa and I do this Bible Club with kids, and we were. telling this story, and I really thought that the thing that they would take away from it would be like God's radical love, And the kids were just like. How do you get leprosy Could I get leprosy? Does it exist? And we kept being like, no, no, no. You're missing the point. like only 75,000 questions, leprosy and it be derailed the entire lesson, it became all about leprosy. Even when we finally were like, you know, forget it. Go down and play. You know what? We're good. 

And then they came back up, like, 10 minutes later, have dessert. And we had thought we would gone past it. And then all of a sudden, one of the one of the girls was just tapping another kid. And she's like, Look, Patricia, I'm giving her leprosy. And we were like, Uh I think for me, just the ideas of, finding Jesus in these moments that speak to us. I might not know everything about women in leadership or atonement theology But I can root myself to that, to the love I see in Jesus's eyes as he touches that scalp. Finding those moments where it's not just a statement of belief, but it's a moment to imagine. The gentleness of God. Yeah. I was reading recently the messages of water by. Monsieur Moto this amazing scientist in the nineties he Started to photograph. What happens when you speak over water and the words loving gratitude make these beautiful crystals in water. But when you say something like you fool to water, it's completely broken. the images are wild. We'll try to add some of these to yeah, we can put them in an in document. 

And it is fascinating. and. he even points out in the book how interesting it is that in the biblical narrative, the story begins with God speaking over the waters of the deep and declaring everything that He creates to be good, declaring humanity made in his image to be good. And I think that that's an interesting thing to think about the importance of our words. That idea at the core of humanity is this message of goodness, Jesus is the new Adam. Jesus wins back the ability to carry the image of God again. Right. And I think that it's something to think about, right? we are. made good in his image and that's where we begin from. Yeah. And we're not saying people don't do bad things. Clearly we do bad things, but I think it means that ability to reflect God's glory and to join Him in the renewal of all things has been won back through Christ. And we spent so much time in the church. Telling a different story about ourselves. 

And that story is that we're sinners, that we're not good enough, that we need to try harder, we're constantly failing. And I think that when we tell those stories about who we are and the expectations of what it means to be a person, it changes and limits what kinds of people we can be right at the heart of it. It is shame. that's the very crux what we're talking about, we hear God inside of our head, we start to associate God's voice with our self-talk. So we start to hear him go, That was so stupid. Or Why would you do that? You know? And so it really matters how we write, how we how we talk to ourselves and how we assume, God talks to us and how God looks at us. That's so true. this is the wild thing about how we store ourselves and how we how others stories. there are moments where people say something to us. Mm hmm. You know, and it could be in passing or it could be in the heat of the moment, or it could be incredibly intentional. 

That we let let's become a huge part of our story. And I, I think that if we are aware of our inner monologues, I think we can check those spaces, you know, and when we have moments that are defining us, I think if we can with honesty share with other people, Hey, this happened to me and I'm, I'm trying to make sense of who I am in the midst of it, you know then I think maybe there's maybe there's a potential. To. Live without shame. I think those moments can help change our story. we can use The stories of God Whether I feel like I'm someone who needs that gentle touch of God in my own scalp, or whether I feel like I'm being called by God to reach out in kindness and compassion to people that you know, hurt me. Hmm. I have a very favorite neurobiologist because I'm a nerd I'll link his podcast and a couple of his books because I love him so much. He's such a gentle, wonderful soul. His name is Dr. Curt Thompson, but he wrote a book called The Soul of Shame Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves. 

I highly recommend, but I'll just read a quote kind of to end our time here. And before I do, I want to say, if, you're wrestling with shame and it feels like a blanket and it feels like just you need someone to walk with you while you're detangling don't hesitate to get someone to talk to I can't express enough how beautiful it was to have a safe space to unravel my story. I'm such a huge proponent of finding a good therapist to talk through your story with And if therapy isn't something you're comfortable with or it can be cost prohibitive. I get that. But find safe spaces and safe people don't do it alone. Don't do it alone is the key. But Kurt says, in other words, we will be aware of God, others and ourselves in the same manner as we experience God's awareness of us. There is no hint of shame in his gaze or his voice. Our attention is drawn so irresistibly to him and how he is attending to us that we lose all awareness of the shame that has for so long. Kept parts of us hiding in the dark Hmm. 

Before we go, we want to just ask you to join us in a quick little imaginative practice. we just want you to close your eyes. For a minute. Alex and I are just going to. Speak some truth over you as our listeners. First off, you're made in the image of God and you reflect his beauty and his love and his grace. You are enough. You've done enough. You are lovely. And you're invited into. I deepening experience with God where you can bring your questions and feel safe and feel known and feel seen. I see the joy in those water crystals of your being being put back together again. Mm hmm. God is near you. and he is so delighted with what you bring into the world and the way your mind works and the way you see him uniquely And he's so delighted that. you're curious. Okay. We really love you. And we will. See you next week!